Thursday, July 1, 2010

THE OBAMA BITE ME PLAN EXPLAINED: TANNING TAX NOW IN EFFECT

Yep you read the headline right. Thanks to the new health care reform we have an additional 10% tax rate added to tanning bed visits. Small amount of money? Perhaps so but seriously? How far down this road do we want to go anyway. If they think this moronic tax is going to accomplish lower health care costs who the hell are they kidding.

It may be enough to get rid of one more small business that creates jobs and taxable income though.

The rationale is that you MAY get cancer by using these beds and therefore raise the cost of health care. How ridiculous does this sound? Back in the '80's there was a supposed "study" done that suggested breast milk caused cancer as well. So much for having kids how much would we tax that with today's mindset? Of course that disappeared quick.

Read this for more: 'Tanning Tax' has some seeing red


A new tanning tax has some seeing red. Tanning salons are now required to charge a ten percent federal tax on the use of beds to help pay for the new health care plan. The new tanning tax has begun for ultra-violet treatments."Anything for tanning beds like the single visits or packages you buy," says Vada Johnson, District Manager of Perfect Tan.

That does not include air brushing or lotions and only affects tanning salons. Health clubs that have tanning beds are exempt."Why isn't everyone having to incur this tax, not just tanning salons?" Johnson asks.Johnson says the tax may discourage some customers from their business."If they push customers away, we don't collect 10%. How is that going to help pay for a bill that got passed?" says Johnson.

Seems there is more to come as well. Here are some "rumors" going around for phase two.

As part of the Obama health care initiative cost cutting measures, now known as the "Obama Bite Me Plan," everyone will now be forced to eat carrots at least 3 times weekly. For those that refuse there will be a 25% tax on all groceries. If you are allergic, and have a Doctor's note stating such, that tax is reduced to 15%.


This plan keeps everyone from having to wear glasses as studies have suggested that eating carrots improve your eyesight. A tax of $5,000 annually will be assessed for anyone wearing glasses today to offset future costs of eyecare. Additionally the plan, referred to as the "John Cena You Can't See Me Initiative," eliminates unnecessary education spending by eliminating Optometry schools and curriculums from our education resource funding. According to our projections this will result in a savings of trillions of dollars we can now use to bailout the banks funding student loans.

As an American and a veteran I state right here right now that I will do my part for America. I don't want any police officer to be falsely accused of profiling me therefore I will now quit wearing glasses to avoid being singled out in any way. I apologize in advance if I happen to bump into your vehicle while you are sitting at a stop light.

There will be an additional 15% tax on all kids under the age of 12 for losing teeth. As part of the "Obama Bite Me Plan" the parents are responsible for collecting or paying the tax on their behalf. Failure to do so will result in a minimum penalty of loss of income tax refund, and/or the use of low income or earned income deductions on your tax return for 10 years, and includes one year minimum prison time in a maximum security prison.

Part II of the "Obama Bite Me Plan," and part of the Democratic wealth redistribution program, the Democratic Congress has learned that the tooth fairy is currently being paid by Government subsidies due to the breakdown of the enamel recycling center overseen by the EPA. This has cost the tooth fairy a job through no fault of her own. This is a grievous error and requires a permanent government bailout for lost wages. This money will be paid by charging our children for the costs of this loss.


Accordingly, the Obama health care redistribution of assets plan states that this money must be used to fund those lower income, and/or unemployed folks, for the subsidies they currently enjoy. It is scheduled to result in a surplus of $1 trillion dollars monthly

Part III of the "Obama Bite Me Plan," alludes to the problem of elderly and dentures. Due to the skyrocketing dental costs, attributed primarily to our elderly over the age of 55, our elderly citizens will have to now endure an extra "Bite Me" cost for dentures. The Obama plan forces denture providers to charge a minimum additional "fee" per tooth of $2.99, and not to exceed $300 per tooth, based on the ability to pay. These "fees" are in addition to the cost of the dentures themselves. The total cost of this mandatory replacement will be taxed at an additional 23% tax rate for each tooth replaced.


Part III (a)For those under the age of 55 if dentures are necessary they will be provided willingly or unwillingly. Anyone under the age of 55 will pay a rate that is double the elderly rate listed above.

This section works in conjunction with the new "No Smile left behind Act." The money gained will be redistributed to fund our new social security program coming later next year. The resulting additional monies will result in the elimination of all our current health care costs. Based on studies done, over a 3 hour period by by our Harvard review team, our projected economic outlook forecasts a savings of $5 trillion each week.

Due to statutory mandates this money will be redistributed to China over a period of 100 years towards our National debt. We are also statutorially bound to provide our hard working legislators a minimum of a 300% raise they so justly deserve within 3 days.

Yep I can see it now.

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Ed Springston

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